STD e-Cards and the “Second Hand” Rule
"How many different partners do you think a woman has to have before she is considered a slut?"
Amid stifled laughter, she smiled and responded,
"At least four or five. I mean, once you start getting to the second hand..." She paused and raised her eyebrows for dramatic effect. "...I think that's a little much."
For clarification, the second hand rule is a commonly known rule of thumb for single women everywhere. The number of sexual partners that a woman has before marriage should fit on one hand (that is, no more than five). Once a second hand has to be employed to count them, she is considered a slut.
Sandy added one more comment, "I mean, it's not like you have to sleep with every guy you go out with or something."
Before you berate me about my legalistic, conservative friends, you should know that the co-worker in question is a twenty-something, non-Adventist blonde who leads counseling sessions with me. She is not a zealous Christian or considered to have outlandish, out of touch views.
My own perceptions about the number of acceptable partners for an unmarried female are generally skewed due to the nature of my job. After all, it's become completely normal for me to counsel fourteen year old adolescents about their 20+ sexual partners and the emotional and physical ramifications. For the patients, however, their role models are, as one patient described to me, older cousins and aunts who keep lists of sexual partners that have been known to number in excess of 500.
So, if premarital sex is the accepted norm, then how much is too much before women become the sort of Christina Aguilera described "dirrrty"?
If the newest product from inSPOT.org is any indication,
then the answer is: a whole lot. In the age of text message and iPhones, you
don't even have to bother to call every one of those 500 men on your sexual
partners list. As long as you had the
foresight to grab his business card before the deed was done, you can send him
a friendly e-card at work warning him that he may have an STD. Because of you.
My feelings about the invention of such a product have been mixed. The public health side of me glories in the insight exercised by the e-card creators and their commitment to reducing the spread of STDs. The Christian purity side of me is aghast and appalled that the wages of our rampant sexual addictions have actually brought us to this: a greeting card to announce the spread of venereal disease.
Regardless of your interpretation of biblical scripture relating to Christian purity, it would be impossible to ignore the proliferation of sexual disease and the role of our own, uncontrolled sexual urges. Monogamous marriages were instituted by God to center the foundation of our culture in the family. Instructions about adultery before and after those marriages was given for the preservation of body and culture (Exodus 20:14, 1 Corin. 6:20, Hebrews 13:4, 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, Colossians 3:5-8). Choosing to resist the self-control that Galatians 5:19 describes has caused us to disregard even modern cultural norms, like the second-hand rule. Instead, the desire to please self has gained control, at the expense of our own health and the best interest of those we claim to love.
On the upside, for some women, they'll be sending out 500 e-cards in their lifetime. And really, who doesn't love a good e-card at work?
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 | Shayna Bailey | Shayna Bailey is best known for her weekly relationship advice column, "Unplugged," published in Insight magazine. She also provides a young adult voice for Christian dating and relationships in several other venues including print magazines, blogs, and Christian seminars—which she frequently hosts. Shayna's first joint book, The GODencounters Devotional: Pursing a 24/7 Relationship with Jesus was released this spring and is available at your local ABC. She holds a B.A. in Psychology from the Johns Hopkins University and is a full time medical student in Washington, DC. |
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Re: STD e-Cards and the “Second Hand” Rule
Elaine Nelson
Am I the only one who finds the question sexist? How many partners must a guy have before being called a "stud" or whatever the current terminology happens to be?
Doesn't any sexual experience necessarily require two individuals? How many guys are asked a similar question? If, as stated, monogamous unions were instituted by God, wasn't polygamy the usual pattern in biblical times? Was it a result of man's desiring to faithfully the first command to "Be fruitful and multiply"? With several wives (which was the normal rule then), many more children could be produced.
Where in the Hebrew Bible is polygamy ever condemned; and where is monogamy praised? Abraham, Jacob, and Lamech to name only three, had more than one wife; and because women were seldom mentioned, it isn't too difficult to believe that given the large progeny, the men had several wives, not one.
Unfortunately, there is no equality for both sexes in many areas, and to indict the female for having several partners before marriage is to ignore the reality today when marriages are occurring later each year, unlike most marriages in the past where the girl was barely past puberty.
Should we return to the days of proving a girl's virginity prior to marriage? Sadly, no such test can be applied to guys.
Re: STD e-Cards and the “Second Hand” Rule
Elaine:
You wrote, "Where in the Hebrew Bible is polygamy ever condemned; and where is monogamy praised?"
I don't know of a place where polygamy is explicity condemned, though its results could be read as cautionary tales. As for monogamy being praised, check out Gen. 2. In the ideal world God created one woman and one man, not three women and one man.
You also wrote, "Should we return to the days of proving a girl's virginity prior to marriage? Sadly, no such test can be applied to guys."
Look up the term "outercourse" sometime. Many young women have sexual partners with whom they have not had vaginal intercourse.
Re: STD e-Cards and the “Second Hand” Rule
Elaine Nelson
I am familiar with many forms of sexual intimacy, but the question still has not been answered:
Is virginity prized only in females? Doesn't the double standard still stand? You said: "Many young women have sexual partners with whom they have not had vaginal intercourse. It coud be assumed that the "partners " were males, so the condemnation of women as having more partners, is equally applicable to the men.
Re: STD e-Cards and the “Second Hand” Rule
From a strictly public health stand point, when you realize the female reproductive anatomy, one can realize the concern for her over him. At least that strikes me that way. From a Christian standpoint rules is rules, right???No matter whether you are a him or a her, God knows.
Regards, Douglas
Re: STD e-Cards and the “Second Hand” Rule
Elaine,
You seem to contradict yourself by first stating that it is unfair that a woman was used as the subject of my commentary (as opposed to a man) and then, by justifying multiple partners by suggesting that polygamy was an accepted, maybe even encouraged, biblical practice.
First, I do not condone male promiscuity, nor did I intend to imply such. I spoke of females because the co-worker whom I used as my subject was female, as am I. The same condemnation of excessive pre-marital partners applies to men too. (For what it's worth, there are also negative descriptors for men, including "manwhore" and "DYMS, Dirty Young Man Syndrome." Next time, I will try to incorporate one into my commentary for fairness.)
Secondly, the most convincing proof for monogamy is in Genesis 2:24, in which God created the marriage union to be monogamous. There is no encouragment of polygamy in the Bible ever. In fact, Solomon's decision to have hundreds of wives and concubines (1 Kings 11) was the beginning of God's removal of favor from his life.
As far as ocietal norms (e.g. marrying later) being sufficient for us to abandon the commandments of God, Matt. 5:18 says very clearly that the Law does not change until "heaven and earth disappear." I encourage you to cite biblical evidence in support of your opinion that we should NOT be accountable to purity before marriage.
Finally, I make no rallying cry, or even suggestion, that women's viriginity should be proven before marriage. I find that comment to be a drastic, exaggerated opposition to the stated purpose of the blog.
Shayna Bailey
Staff Blogger, Adventist Today